Disappointed

It isn't easy being a feminist. If I had to explain why it isn't easy it would have to be a post by itself and that's not what I want to write about today. To put it succinctly, there is this constant realization that this world is an unfair place and I cannot change this in my lifetime even with all the privileges I was born with and continue to enjoy. That is a rather huge burden to live with. But I hope to at least make small contributions, make a small difference somewhere, in someone's life before I die. That belief keeps me sane. But the hardest part of being a feminist is the almost constant string of disappointments. When people whom I respect (and sometimes people whom I love) let me down, when they exhibit abject ignorance and indifference and refuse to change their prejudices even though they know that they are being irrational and unfair, I feel almost ready to throw my hands in the air and give up. Today is one those days.

She used to be one of the few people I greatly admired. I was in awe of her, to say the least. She is a brilliant woman with an impressive career. She is one those strong silent type of people and although I often found myself painfully inadequate when it came to having conversations with her, she was sort of a role model. Rewards and recognition seem to come to her effortlessly. Well, until she decided to give up her job after having a baby and move half way across the world just because her husband decided to. I was extremely dismayed when I heard about this, but I decided that she must have had good reason to do what she did. Someone as fantastic at her job as she was wouldn't just give it up unless something compelled her against her will to do so. That was until today when her mother flippantly told me that she may not work again at all. Her mother reasoned that the baby is more important that anything else she would want to do.

I usually try to be politically correct and try to be understanding of women who willingly choose to be stay at home mothers. But today, I am going to give my honest opinion about it. I do not think that bringing up children is as big an achievement as it is made out to be. I only respect people(men and women) who have contributed to the human race in some way other than just adding a number to its population. Let me be clear that I am not undermining the work done by women(and some men) in raising children. I am just saying that according to me, it is NOT an achievement. I find it hard to understand how one can choose to define oneself solely in terms of the offsprings one has produced. Even animals do it for crying out loud! All mammals give birth to young ones and raise them to survive in the world. So if thats all you have done in your life, what differentiates you from them?? I understand women who make peace with their fates and find excuses to justify the life they are forced into. I will not even attempt to judge them. But I find it unforgiveable when I see privileged women settle for something that is less than what they deserve.

In my opinion, motherhood is specifically touted as some sort of life changing experience because our patriarchal society which forces women to stay at home and stay invisible, wants to throw them a lifeline. We want women to stay content doing unpaid labour that mostly goes unrecognized and often without reciprocation, so we tell them that what they are doing is a reward in itself! Nice trick isn't it?

Women have it hard in this world, and to quote from a movie, nature makes it harder by dealing us some tricky cards. I usually judge men more harshly than women, for that very reason. I tend to give women the benefit of the doubt, but this time I made an exception. Privilege is a hard thing to come by. Very few women get to have as many choices as my ex-role model did. To throw them away is callous and unforgivable and rather disappointing. To choose to be dependent on a man is an easy way out and just serves to reinforce the stereotypes that feminists fight against almost everyday.

I know that many people would probably call me selfish or cold hearted for saying what I do. I have often asked myself the same question. But the whole thing really boils down to how I want to define my existence. I would be very disappointed if by the end of my life, all I had done was to live in the shadow of my family passively, letting their lives define mine and letting their existence define mine. If that was a deliberate choice that was made, then that in my opinion is a life wasted.


(I still hope she will go back to work soon and I hope she will get all the recognition and accolades that she deserves. I am keeping my fingers crossed!)