"I am not a feminist like you"

“I am not a feminist like you!”, my roommate told me with unmistakable contempt. It took me by surprise, both the statement and the contempt. We had been having an argument about the roles available for women in the Indian film industry. The statement halted my thought process and I suddenly realized that we were arguing from totally different bases. My roommate seized the opportunity and made a dramatic statement on the lines of “Quit complaining! I am happy with the way things are and I don’t see what the heck you people are harping about!”. I didn’t respond. My mind was racing. For so long, I have assumed that the need for feminism is a given, that it’s the more logical, rational, not to mention “moral” stance. (Don’t ask me why I put the word moral in quotes, that would take an entire blog to explain! For now, assume that it means that I don’t associate it with self righteousness, which is what happens most often). Since this incident, I have been thinking about this assumption and especially this strange reaction that certain people have towards feminism.

Lets rewind a bit, and let me give you some background. I don’t know how it happened and I don’t remember when or where, but I have always been contemptuous of traditional gender stereotyping and gender roles. Perhaps, it helped that my parents did not try to convince me otherwise. They probably didn’t take me too seriously, but they didn’t discourage me either. I remember that even back in school, I’d find myself denigrating the system, asking people why they believed in stereotypes and generally being a pain in all the wrong places! It irritated me how the rules were always different for women than for men. The constant feeling of helplessness made me want to scream sometimes. “Don’t wear those kind of clothes”, “Don’t go to those parts of the city”, “Don’t go out so late” “Don’t let your skin tan so much” “Don’t cut your hair too short” “Marry only the boy we pick for you!”… The list of Dos and Donts were quite long and they always ended with “Because you are a girl”. To cut a long story short, I was frustrated that I couldn’t have the kind of life I wanted, not because of how I was living it, not because my parents made mistakes in bringing me up, not because I made mistakes along the way, but solely because of one measly X chromosome, something in which I had absolutely no choice!

As I grew older, the nagging feelings became more concrete, I found reasons for the way I felt and most importantly, I found people who had similar views. I learnt a lot about different cultures and different visions for the future. I argued my head off with anyone who cared to argue back! Most people would agree that what I was saying made sense, but that they didn’t think anything could be changed. Some of them agreed that it was all very “noble” and all, but wasn’t really practical. Some conceded that life is indeed harder for women than it is for men where comparable, but believed that men are just “hard wired” that way and women simply have to put up with it. Sometimes I would be on the verge of losing my temper, but I could understand where they were coming from. It’s very difficult for such fundamental changes to happen, because we are all struggling against an inertia that has been building up for so long. I admit that I am not doing as much as I can to change things either. There are so many brilliant, capable and passionate women working for the betterment of women. I admire them and I support them whole heartedly, but I am much too timid and ineffectual to have the kind of impact that they do. Maybe one day, I will get off the chair and actually do something concrete! I know I want to. But until then, I am happy if I am able to make at least one person see things from my point of view. If I am able to convince one person to give up the stereotypes and redefine herself/himself, then I would feel like I have made a difference. So, I persist. I argue, I reason and I loudly talk about my opinions whenever I get a chance.

Until my roommate’s statement made me stop and think. I had heard many women complain of this exact same thing. This undisguised contempt for feminism and feminists. I found it surprising especially coming from women. Most women at some point of time or the other have been taught the hard way what it means to be a woman in a patriarchy. That makes it easy for them to relate to feminism. It’s true that we have come a long way. Women have so many choices now that we didn’t have even 10 years back. Most women I know have comfortable lives. But we still have a very long way to go. There are so many parts of this world, where women are still struggling for their basic rights, their bodily integrity and just recognition and acknowledgement as human beings. As for my roommate who believes that “Oh these things will happen in time. What’s all the fuss about?”, I’d just say this. Changes don’t happen in vacuum and they don’t happen because someone somewhere waved a magic wand. They happen because of people who are strong enough to defy the system and ask the hard questions and demand their dues. She and I and all the women whose lives have improved, are merely reaping the benefits of the blood and tears of the brave women who came before us. The system isn’t going to change when people sit back and say “these things will happen in time”. To change people’s mindsets and prejudices, we need to spread awareness. More questions need to asked, assumptions need to be questioned and excuses cannot not be tolerated anymore. We cannot afford to relax, not until the revolution is complete.

As for those of you who claim that you aren’t feminists, I ask you this. Do you believe that women are just as human as men? Do you believe that they have a right to their own body and deserve a space in this world just as much as any other human being? Do you believe that they deserve to be treated with just as much consideration as men? Do you believe that discrimination against anyone based on their gender is wrong? Do you believe that women deserve to have the same choices available to men? Do you believe that there is no “inferior” gender? Well, then YOU ARE A FEMINIST. And this goes for men too! Don’t be afraid to take on the label. It just means that you are a good human being. More importantly, it means that you aren’t afraid to think for yourself instead of just believing what you were told. You and I may have different opinions on different issues, but this is our basis. This is what we start building on. And the next time someone tells you “I am not a feminist like you”, prove them wrong! (Alternatively, you could point them to this blog, I’d sure like the publicity!)


PS: For those of you who actually believe that women are inferior beings and don’t deserve the quality of life that men enjoy, you are morons. Go away from here and don’t come back.