To be or not to be!

Disappointed

2009-09-21T09:46:00.003-07:00

It isn't easy being a feminist. If I had to explain why it isn't easy it would have to be a post by itself and that's not what I want to write about today. To put it succinctly, there is this constant realization that this world is an unfair place and I cannot change this in my lifetime even with all the privileges I was born with and continue to enjoy. That is a rather huge burden to live with. But I hope to at least make small contributions, make a small difference somewhere, in someone's life before I die. That belief keeps me sane. But the hardest part of being a feminist is the almost constant string of disappointments. When people whom I respect (and sometimes people whom I love) let me down, when they exhibit abject ignorance and indifference and refuse to change their prejudices even though they know that they are being irrational and unfair, I feel almost ready to throw my hands in the air and give up. Today is one those days.

She used to be one of the few people I greatly admired. I was in awe of her, to say the least. She is a brilliant woman with an impressive career. She is one those strong silent type of people and although I often found myself painfully inadequate when it came to having conversations with her, she was sort of a role model. Rewards and recognition seem to come to her effortlessly. Well, until she decided to give up her job after having a baby and move half way across the world just because her husband decided to. I was extremely dismayed when I heard about this, but I decided that she must have had good reason to do what she did. Someone as fantastic at her job as she was wouldn't just give it up unless something compelled her against her will to do so. That was until today when her mother flippantly told me that she may not work again at all. Her mother reasoned that the baby is more important that anything else she would want to do.

I usually try to be politically correct and try to be understanding of women who willingly choose to be stay at home mothers. But today, I am going to give my honest opinion about it. I do not think that bringing up children is as big an achievement as it is made out to be. I only respect people(men and women) who have contributed to the human race in some way other than just adding a number to its population. Let me be clear that I am not undermining the work done by women(and some men) in raising children. I am just saying that according to me, it is NOT an achievement. I find it hard to understand how one can choose to define oneself solely in terms of the offsprings one has produced. Even animals do it for crying out loud! All mammals give birth to young ones and raise them to survive in the world. So if thats all you have done in your life, what differentiates you from them?? I understand women who make peace with their fates and find excuses to justify the life they are forced into. I will not even attempt to judge them. But I find it unforgiveable when I see privileged women settle for something that is less than what they deserve.

In my opinion, motherhood is specifically touted as some sort of life changing experience because our patriarchal society which forces women to stay at home and stay invisible, wants to throw them a lifeline. We want women to stay content doing unpaid labour that mostly goes unrecognized and often without reciprocation, so we tell them that what they are doing is a reward in itself! Nice trick isn't it?

Women have it hard in this world, and to quote from a movie, nature makes it harder by dealing us some tricky cards. I usually judge men more harshly than women, for that very reason. I tend to give women the benefit of the doubt, but this time I made an exception. Privilege is a hard thing to come by. Very few women get to have as many choices as my ex-role model did. To throw them away is callous and unforgivable and rather disappointing. To choose to be dependent on a man is an easy way out and just serves to reinforce the stereotypes that feminists fight against almost everyday.

I know that many people would probably call me selfish or cold hearted for saying what I do. I have often asked myself the same question. But the whole thing really boils down to how I want to define my existence. I would be very disappointed if by the end of my life, all I had done was to live in the shadow of my family passively, letting their lives define mine and letting their existence define mine. If that was a deliberate choice that was made, then that in my opinion is a life wasted.

(I still hope she will go back to work soon and I hope she will get all the recognition and accolades that she deserves. I am keeping my fingers crossed!)

The centre of the world

2009-03-09T09:02:00.007-07:00

Today after pondering over a deeply serious matter for about 2 minutes, I came to the startling realization that almost all men seem to think that they are the centre of the world! By that I mean that each man thinks that he is the centre of the world, nay, the universe! And how did I reach this extraordinary conclusion, you ask me? Well, I'll tell ya.

In Bangalore, in protest of the recent attacks on women, a campaign took place this weekend to increase awareness and to engage people in a dialogue. See, now thats exactly the kind of thing that brings the misogynists out of the woodwork. Among all the patriarchy affirming, disgustingly sexist remarks that were made, one BMTC bus driver had this gem to offer, "Women who wear provocative clothes ought to be assaulted. If I saw a woman like that, I'd assault her". I flung the paper after I read this sentence and fumed for the next half an hour. My ire, not surprisingly, was at this pig's nauseating male entitlement which he believes gives him the right to assault any woman he judges as having dressed "provocatively".

But as I calmed down, I thought about the use of the word provocative(assuming it was translated from Kannada correctly) in this context. I've heard a lot of things of things described as provocative and quite often used to justify violence against women. It isn't just used with our clothes, but to judge everything we do. The use of the word is quite interesting. Lets break it down shall we? First of all, it is being implied that the woman in question is provoking someone, in this case, by wearing certain clothes. Secondly, and most importantly, she is provoking all men in her near vicinity (or even morons who sit in judgment of her later) by wearing certain clothes. So what is actually being said is that the woman in choosing to wear what she is wearing is actually deliberately choosing to provoke strange men whom she has never met and is hardly interested in! This reasoning neatly transfers the responsibility of controlling the reactions of all men a woman comes in contact with on to the woman herself! This is the exact same logic used to make women wear veils in certain Muslim countries. Here in Karnataka (as of now!) only western clothes are provocative. In certain countries, unless a woman is completely covered, she is deemed to be provocative! It is not a difference in kind, but a difference in merely the degree. And all of this is neatly wrapped up in what is termed "culture" which is supposed to trump all logic and reason!

Now, I think I can speak for most womenfolk when I say that when I wear jeans or skirts, the first and foremost thing on my mind is comfort. If its cold, I like to wear jeans. If its hot, I like to wear loose flowing clothes like skirts. Salwars probably fall somewhere in between. And of course, the all important, frequency of washing clothes. If everything is in the wash basket, jeans come in very handy! If some guy I'd never met came and told me that I was wearing a skirt to provoke him, I'd laugh in his face! In fact the concept is so ludicrous, I am surprised that it has become so mainstream and universally accepted!

Hence, I've concluded that most men live in their own sad, pathetic little worlds. A world where women exist because they do. A world where the sole purpose of a woman's action is to elicit a response from them. You know, it's very unpleasant trying to be in a man's head and doing this analysis. So, I am going to get out.

I just find it very unfortunate that we as a society seem to be encouraging men to be such pathetic losers by reaffirming their twisted world views and making life a lot more difficult for women. Well, thats why its called a patriarchy.

The right to exist in public spaces

2009-02-26T06:46:00.005-07:00

I have been following the recent events in Karnataka (the attacks on women in Mangalore and the resultant discussions) with alarm and dismay. Perhaps because it hits closer to home and the realization that I may have easily been one of the women who were attacked is not a pleasant one. Although, I must admit that seeing the number of protests and campaigns against these self appointed "moral police" i.e whackjobs has been immensely satisfying. But the news today about 3 women being harassed and attacked for the ridiculous reason of wearing "western" clothes really pushed my buttons.

I've observed that discussions about this issue usually gets derailed with statements about what women should and shouldn't wear, whether western culture is a good thing or not, whether "pub culture" is good or not, whether women should drink or not and so forth. When the crux of the matter is really about women's right to exist in public spaces without the fear of violence. What is really at stake is not my right to wear jeans or to consume alcohol, but my right to be out on the street and in public without looking over my shoulder or clutching a can of pepper spray.

Let me explain that a little further. Let us for a moment assume that wearing "western" clothes is a bad thing. Let us next assume that punishing people committing this grave crime is justified. Why then should not we not assault men wearing shirt and pants? Is that not "western" attire? Should we not force all men to wear dhoti which is the traditional Indian attire? While we are at it, men who bathe in public should be harassed and beaten up because they are exposing too much skin. Also, men going to pubs should be called names, slapped and dragged by their hair, and if thats not possible, then at least by their shirts.

My point is that none of these reasons are logical. Any human being with even half a brain would see that. What these numbskulls are really saying is that any woman in a public space is fair game for violence and assault and the reason is really just an excuse.

I had a wacky thought. Instead of all these crappy "father's day" and "mother's day", which are just gimmicks for stores like Archies to make sales, lets celebrate something meaningful. Lets celebrate "women's right to be in public" day. For 24 hours, every year, only women would be allowed to be out in public and not men. Any man who is seen outside will be harassed, assaulted, beaten or murdered and it would be perfectly legal. That would be like a breath of fresh air! We'll see how that goes and maybe extend it for more days every year! What say?

Choice

2008-12-18T08:46:00.012-07:00

A few days ago I had a conversation with a friend that turned into a rather fierce argument which never reached a conclusion. I was telling him that there is something wrong about entertainment being mostly gender stereotypical and heteronormative.

Let me explain that a bit. By "gender stereotype", I mean a depiction of men and women the way they are socially expected to be. And by "gender", I don't mean "sex". Sex is biological, determined by birth. Gender is behavioural, taught to us by society. For example, my sex is female and hence I have two X chromosomes and that is a fact. My gender is woman and hence I am expected to wear certain kinds of clothes and not certain others. The latter is an expectation that has very little to do with my sex.(If you have any doubts, I'd suggest reading about our rich human history where there are plenty of examples of societies that preferred unisex clothes). There are plenty of theories about why gender exists. Among feminists, it is widely believed that gender stereotyping is a powerful tool of the patriarchy constructed and wielded to ensure the subjugation of women. I definitely agree that at the present time, gender stereotyping is one of the biggest means of ensuring that a dichotomy exists. That way, the minute women talk about achieving equality, a counter argument is given, "But women can't be equal to men! You see, they are innately different.(They are innately more drawn towards taking care of the family and less towards a career!)" I also believe that the moment the dichotomy vanishes and we aren't men and women, but just people at different points on a wide spectrum, the gender hierarchy will collapse. There will exist no one gender that can be identified as the oppressors or the oppressed.Though there may still be other types of oppression, at least the oldest living one will vanish! But I am not sure that the reason for the origin of gender was to subjugate women. It may have stemmed from the kind of work specialization that existed among our ancestors to ensure their survival, something I don't think we need to worry about right now!!

As for "heteronormative", I think its self explanatory. It is the assumption that all men are attracted to only women and all women are attracted to only men. Even if there are references to homosexuality in the mainstream media, it either involves stereotypes about homosexuals(all gay men are "feminine" or all gay women are "manly") or is merely used for comic effect. Either way, it does a grave injustice to homosexuality.

Well, my friend argued that the mainstream media only depicts what the majority of people can relate to. He believes that both non-gender stereotypical people and homosexuals are minorities at best and aberrations at worst. He makes two assumptions here that are highly questionable. Firstly, he assumes that people who are gender stereotypical and heteronormative are the majority. Homosexuality may not be as common as heterosexuality, but it is definitely not an insignificant number. As for gender stereotypes, they get a lot more emphasis than they deserve. For most people, it is a matter of what is most convenient. Falling into a stereotype is easy, being an "aberration" is far more difficult, especially if one is labeled that way! There are several bloggers who have written more eloquently on this subject, so I shall refrain from doing this topic an injustice by trying to explain further! Secondly, he assumes that the interaction between people and media is merely one way, that the mainstream media merely depicts what the majority of people want. He blithely assumes that the depictions in no way reinforce these stereotypes. In fact, his first assumption stems from the second. Without any numbers of facts, people like him look at what's shown to them and believe that that must be the majority behaviour, no questions asked!

Lets say for a minute that both his assumptions are correct. Lets assume that the two groups he mentions are indeed very small in number. So what? Shouldn't all of us have the right to live our life the way we want and make the choices that we want without some arrogant idiot coming along and telling us we are "aberrations"? Stereotypes don't exist in vacuum. The minute you say that the majority's choice is the only choice that matters, you kill everything that is making this world progress. What makes us progress and do things never thought possible is our diversity. That is in fact the basis for evolution itself! The only difference is that with human beings, diversity is not determined by our genes alone, it is determined by the choices we make. By saying that anything mainstream has to cater to only the majority, you do two things. One, you make sure that the majority remains intolerant of other lifestyles and choices. Two, you make life far more difficult for someone who wants to be different. The former contributing significantly to the latter!

Half the world's problems stem from the fact that we can't tolerate differences. The best that people achieve is resigned co-existence like what we have in India! Yes, we will be friendly with people from different backgrounds, but there will be absolutely no intermingling(and by that I mean marriage)! Well, as I always say, I have hope for the future. Perhaps not everyone is as close minded and ignorant as my friend!

Of victims and victimization -2

2008-11-19T09:35:00.005-07:00

(To continue with my random rambling and incoherent thoughts....)

Another thought that struck me that if we remove all the layers of discrimination and bigotry, at the very bottom you would still find sexism. In the US, African American women are the most marginalized. In India, lower class women are the poorest. Women are killed more often than men in the name of "family honour" when they marry outside their caste or religion. Its insidious, its all pervasive and worst of all, its overlooked, neglected and brushed aside. America may have proven that it can elect an African American president, but it still couldn't elect a woman president. They have merely proved that they are less racist than sexist. The sexism in fact went mostly unacknowledged.

There a lot of theories to explain why misogyny has lasted so long and why we are still struggling to even recognize it, leave alone eliminate it. The one that made the most sense to me was something another blogger wrote. To borrow from her, only in the case of sexism, as opposed to say racism, is there an inevitable relationship between the oppressor and the oppressed. The oppression is so intertwined with the natural relationship that its difficult for most people to untangle the web of prejudices. Even I struggle with it everyday. To be in a state of constant awareness and to question everything that happens to figure out what is sexist and what is not, is not an easy thing to do!

The other reason that this blogger writes about is also an interesting observation. Women are present all over the world. They have different experiences, are a part of different cultures, experience so many other kinds of discrimination apart from sexism, that to unite together to fight misogyny is complicated and difficult. Even the kind of misogyny faced by each woman is so different in different cultures. For example, in India, the question of banning abortion never arose since discrimination against women starts from the womb with sex selection. In the US, the discussion around abortion has become a fight to guard the bodily integrity of women. The continuum of sexism ranges from rape, denial of basic human rights and honor killings to objectification, street harassment and unrealistic standards of beauty. All women fall somewhere on this continuum and all of us don't experience it all. I have a seen a lot of dialogues between feminists from different backgrounds break down for this very reason.

But I still hope. With the kind of technology we have at our disposal right now, connecting with people has become as easy the click of a button. Perhaps, we have a better chance of overcoming these hurdles now more than ever!

Of victims and victimization

2008-11-16T09:49:00.005-07:00

This is just a random blog post about my random thoughts. It may not be very coherent, but I wanted to "pen" it down anyway!

I've been thinking a lot about the social struggles that happen around the world, sexism, racism, casteism, religious fundamentalism, regionalism to name a few. The more I think about it, the more I see a common thread among these insidious institutions. Firstly, each one is an attempt to prove one group's superiority over another group of people. Secondly, the superiority is assumed by mere virtue of the circumstances of one's birth. One's gender, race, caste, religion, place of origin are all used to claim that one is better than someone else.

That said, I am all for people trying to be better than someone else. In fact, I think everyone should in fact compete with others and strive to do better. It makes us all better people. But claiming to be superior without having proved oneself in any way whatsoever is ridiculous at best and dangerous at worst, especially when done in an institutionalized manner and in large numbers. But if one were to think about it, its in fact the easiest way to feel good about oneself, especially if one doesn't have anything else thats going good. Whenever I am outside and some man on the road harasses me or deliberately does something to make me uncomfortable, to me, it seems like its his way of making it known that irrespective of how he compares with me on our individual value and contribution to society, he is still superior to me just by virtue of being a man. The fact that he can make me uncomfortable or harass me without retribution ratifies his belief that he has power over me. Its a rather pitiful attempt, but I see that its quite widespread and not just with sexism.

Another interesting observation that someone made and I am borrowing is the idea that every victim is for some reason noble merely because of the victimization. For example, there is a school of thought that says women are better people than men and hence should not be discriminated against. I don't like this argument for two reasons. One, I don't believe in a gender dichotomy. I think that we will achieve a gender neutral society or as close to one as possible only when we stop identifying everyone with a gender and performing artificially construed gender roles. Secondly, the reason why women should not be discriminated against and treated badly is that they are human beings just like men and deserve the same quality of life that men enjoy. That is in fact the reason why any kind of discrimination should be opposed. Claiming that women are more moral creatures is a poor argument according to me. In fact, I don't think the claim is true at all. Victimized and marginalized groups have as many good people and bad people as the oppressors.

"I am not a feminist like you"

2008-03-31T07:18:00.000-07:00

“I am not a feminist like you!”, my roommate told me with unmistakable contempt. It took me by surprise, both the statement and the contempt. We had been having an argument about the roles available for women in the Indian film industry. The statement halted my thought process and I suddenly realized that we were arguing from totally different bases. My roommate seized the opportunity and made a dramatic statement on the lines of “Quit complaining! I am happy with the way things are and I don’t see what the heck you people are harping about!”. I didn’t respond. My mind was racing. For so long, I have assumed that the need for feminism is a given, that it’s the more logical, rational, not to mention “moral” stance. (Don’t ask me why I put the word moral in quotes, that would take an entire blog to explain! For now, assume that it means that I don’t associate it with self righteousness, which is what happens most often). Since this incident, I have been thinking about this assumption and especially this strange reaction that certain people have towards feminism.

Lets rewind a bit, and let me give you some background. I don’t know how it happened and I don’t remember when or where, but I have always been contemptuous of traditional gender stereotyping and gender roles. Perhaps, it helped that my parents did not try to convince me otherwise. They probably didn’t take me too seriously, but they didn’t discourage me either. I remember that even back in school, I’d find myself denigrating the system, asking people why they believed in stereotypes and generally being a pain in all the wrong places! It irritated me how the rules were always different for women than for men. The constant feeling of helplessness made me want to scream sometimes. “Don’t wear those kind of clothes”, “Don’t go to those parts of the city”, “Don’t go out so late” “Don’t let your skin tan so much” “Don’t cut your hair too short” “Marry only the boy we pick for you!”… The list of Dos and Donts were quite long and they always ended with “Because you are a girl”. To cut a long story short, I was frustrated that I couldn’t have the kind of life I wanted, not because of how I was living it, not because my parents made mistakes in bringing me up, not because I made mistakes along the way, but solely because of one measly X chromosome, something in which I had absolutely no choice!

As I grew older, the nagging feelings became more concrete, I found reasons for the way I felt and most importantly, I found people who had similar views. I learnt a lot about different cultures and different visions for the future. I argued my head off with anyone who cared to argue back! Most people would agree that what I was saying made sense, but that they didn’t think anything could be changed. Some of them agreed that it was all very “noble” and all, but wasn’t really practical. Some conceded that life is indeed harder for women than it is for men where comparable, but believed that men are just “hard wired” that way and women simply have to put up with it. Sometimes I would be on the verge of losing my temper, but I could understand where they were coming from. It’s very difficult for such fundamental changes to happen, because we are all struggling against an inertia that has been building up for so long. I admit that I am not doing as much as I can to change things either. There are so many brilliant, capable and passionate women working for the betterment of women. I admire them and I support them whole heartedly, but I am much too timid and ineffectual to have the kind of impact that they do. Maybe one day, I will get off the chair and actually do something concrete! I know I want to. But until then, I am happy if I am able to make at least one person see things from my point of view. If I am able to convince one person to give up the stereotypes and redefine herself/himself, then I would feel like I have made a difference. So, I persist. I argue, I reason and I loudly talk about my opinions whenever I get a chance.

Until my roommate’s statement made me stop and think. I had heard many women complain of this exact same thing. This undisguised contempt for feminism and feminists. I found it surprising especially coming from women. Most women at some point of time or the other have been taught the hard way what it means to be a woman in a patriarchy. That makes it easy for them to relate to feminism. It’s true that we have come a long way. Women have so many choices now that we didn’t have even 10 years back. Most women I know have comfortable lives. But we still have a very long way to go. There are so many parts of this world, where women are still struggling for their basic rights, their bodily integrity and just recognition and acknowledgement as human beings. As for my roommate who believes that “Oh these things will happen in time. What’s all the fuss about?”, I’d just say this. Changes don’t happen in vacuum and they don’t happen because someone somewhere waved a magic wand. They happen because of people who are strong enough to defy the system and ask the hard questions and demand their dues. She and I and all the women whose lives have improved, are merely reaping the benefits of the blood and tears of the brave women who came before us. The system isn’t going to change when people sit back and say “these things will happen in time”. To change people’s mindsets and prejudices, we need to spread awareness. More questions need to asked, assumptions need to be questioned and excuses cannot not be tolerated anymore. We cannot afford to relax, not until the revolution is complete.

As for those of you who claim that you aren’t feminists, I ask you this. Do you believe that women are just as human as men? Do you believe that they have a right to their own body and deserve a space in this world just as much as any other human being? Do you believe that they deserve to be treated with just as much consideration as men? Do you believe that discrimination against anyone based on their gender is wrong? Do you believe that women deserve to have the same choices available to men? Do you believe that there is no “inferior” gender? Well, then YOU ARE A FEMINIST. And this goes for men too! Don’t be afraid to take on the label. It just means that you are a good human being. More importantly, it means that you aren’t afraid to think for yourself instead of just believing what you were told. You and I may have different opinions on different issues, but this is our basis. This is what we start building on. And the next time someone tells you “I am not a feminist like you”, prove them wrong! (Alternatively, you could point them to this blog, I’d sure like the publicity!)

PS: For those of you who actually believe that women are inferior beings and don’t deserve the quality of life that men enjoy, you are morons. Go away from here and don’t come back.

The end

2006-10-24T22:47:00.001-07:00

For my few dedicated readers who think I have written enough mushy articles about my love affair with Elton, I promise that this will be my last post about him!

It was a pleasant evening, but the occasion was anything but pleasant. Both of us knew it was coming, the end was near. I tried to put it off for long as I could, hoping.....hoping that "happily ever afters" were not a myth....hoping that magic wands could make it alright. But the hope died, slowly. I don't know how Elton dealt with it. I can only imagine that it was as painful for him as it was for me. I wonder sometimes, did he wait for me everyday? Did he look longingly at the door every time it opened? Did he hope that one day I would fall into his arms and the pain would disappear?

It was a pleasant evening, the evening I went to meet him for one last time. We did not talk, did not exchange pleasantries. One look and we both knew it was over. Without a word, he came with me. We walked back to my house. It was a 10 minute walk but seemed like an eternity. There seemed so many things I wanted to tell him, but I found no words. He walked beside me, silent and strong, accepting the inevitable. Occasionally we looked at each other and it brought a fresh wave of pain. I thought I had prepared myself for this, I thought I would be able to look at it objectively, savour the memories and move on. But I was unprepared for those 10 minutes with him. The carefully built walls crumbled with the force of the emotions and I was left vulnerable and defenseless. Did he see it in my eyes? Did he hear my laboured breathing?

It was a pleasant evening and my roommates seemed to be in good spirits when we reached my apartment. He came in and sat beside me. After a moment of indecision, I knew we had to talk, one of us had to say it. If the walk had been painful, the conversation was a brush with hell. Memories flooded my mind, the gestures, the voice, the innumerable conversations we had had in the same place, with him sitting right across me. The intense feeling of familiarity almost choked me. Perhaps Elton felt the same. He seemed in control on the surface, but he had to be. We didn't say goodbye, atleast not with words, but it was hovering in the air as we parted. I am with Vince now. I like him and I am comfortable with life. But I know that nothing can even hold a candle to what Elton and I shared. Sometimes, when I let my mind drift, I still feel his presence around me and an imagined warmth envelopes me in its comforting shrouds. In my weak moments, I mentally scream at the world, demanding an explanation for this misery. Why, oh why?

After rereading my post, I realized that I could give Danielle Steele a run for her money!!

The parting.

2006-08-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

I remember the last time I looked at him. I remember the last time I touched him, his warmth enveloping me at the mere touch, as he sat close to me. We stole a few moments with each other before the inevitable. And then I watched the distance between us grow as I walked away from him. The same thought probably ran through both our minds, "How long is this separation going to last?". It almost tore me to pieces to think that he might not be back, atleast not the same as before. But I knew I had to do it.

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were." I believe in our love, so strongly, and I cling to the hope that he will come back to me, safe and sound. Yet, I fear this separation. I know I have not been as good to him as he deserved. He silently bore everything, my tantrums, my insecurities, my lack of faith. He didnt protest even when I took him for granted. Sometimes, when I reflect on our relationship, I wonder if this separation was a result of my mistakes. During these times, I imagine him meeting someone else, someone better than me, someone who can make him happier than I ever could and it drives me to despair. I never realized how insecure I was until I fell in love. Funny, but love teaches one so much about oneself! I say a silent prayer for his safe return and vow to make the rest of our lives the best that it can ever be.

It was only two weeks back that he left, but it seems like two years ago. I wake up every morning only to realize that he is not with me and that I cant even talk to him. The couch seems bare without his presence. I call every once in a while, hoping to hear something from him. My heart leaps at the prospect of knowing when this wait would end but promptly sinks to my feet when I am politely told that it will take more time. I spend more time with my friends, to forget the pain and longing. I laugh and smile and join in the merry making, knowing fully well that none of my friends will ever know what I am going through. Only Brendon knows because he is my best friend and agony uncle! He tries his best to comfort me and cheer me up. Cribbing helps, but I am just incomplete without my love.

I try to remember how life was before I met him. The memories are vivid, but they feel strange. I seemed to have been a completely different person then. I was a cynic and proud to be one too! He changed me. He taught me to hope and believe. He taught me the power of faith and trust. He opened a window to a wonderful world everytime I was with him, a world where only he and I existed. I now know that whatever happens in the future, I will always be grateful to him for helping me understand myself, for showing me what I am really capable of and for making me realize the kind of person that I wanted to be.

I miss Elton so very much! But I wait patiently for his return from the service centre.

Power Cut.

2006-04-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

When I get time, I read quite a few of my friends' blogs, even my friends' friend's blogs! And after I wrote this blog, I realized that it was terribly cliched! I mean this is the kind of incident which most people would love to narrate on their blogspots! Infact, when I was talking to a good friend of mine about the power cut after I had written this, he told me that I ought to blog about it! When I first started blogging, I had an idea of what I hoped to do through this exercise of writing. I wanted to dabble with literature. I wanted to try different kinds of articles, serious ones, humourous ones, ones expounding theories backed by reasons, ones based on frivolous feminism, even fairytales! I guess that with this blog, I can add one more to the list....the cliched one!

This morning, I woke up earlier than usual. I was woken up, rather! Without the constant hum of the fans, everything else sounded louder, even my roommates' discussion in the other room on whose turn it was to throw the trash! I looked up, bleary eyed, at my clock which showed an unquestionably blank display. My mobile phone showed that I had indeed woken up earlier than I had intended. But my growling stomach did not seem to think so! By then, my sleep fuzzy brain had vaguely registered the fact that there was a power cut. And yet, the full impact of this situation did not strike me until much later.

I dragged myself to the bathroom and automatically flicked the light switch on. The room remained dark. I reminded myself that the light switches are pretty useless without electricity! With great difficulty, I finished up in the bathroom and went to the kitchen. My day remains incomplete if I dont start it with a cup of warm milk. So, I poured out some milk from the fridge, noting that it wasnt functioning. I stopped in mid step on my way to the microwave, realizing that I couldnt use that either. It struck me much later that I could have heated the milk on the stove. But at that time it seemed to me that I had no option but to make do with cold milk. I took the cup with me into the living room and as is my usual habit, turned my laptop on. For a couple of seconds, I was surprised to see that it was running on battery. It took another 10 seconds for me to figure out why the wireless connection was unavailable! It took me less time to realize that it was useless to search for the TV's remote. I shook my head, smiled to myself and shut my laptop off.

As I was sitting on the couch and sipping the milk, I thought back to the innumerable power cuts back at home and it brought a wave of nostalgia. When we were quite young, my sister and I used to spend summer vacations at our grandparents' place. At that time, "load sheddings" were quite prevalant. During those nights, we all used to gather in the living room, where my grandmom would light a single candle and we would just talk. (Ofcourse, at that time, emergency lamps werent thought to be necessary!) My uncle would get very inspired and start singing! My sister and I used to think the world of his voice and would ask him to sing our favourite songs! Sometimes, we would just sit quietly and stare at the flame. There was something comforting in the thought that hundreds, even thousands of people were probably doing the same. People would peep out of their balconies and strike up conversations with neighbours they had not seen in days. Power cuts somehow seemed to have a strangely unifying effect. I never thought of it this way before, but now, it all seems so romantic! Was life really this simple back then?

This morning's experience was hardly romantic! It made me realize that there are so many things that we just take for granted. The United States is a country abundant in resources. Well, even if they lack the resources they need, they make sure they get it by hook or by crook! Paper is dispensible; the innumerable posters and flyers lying around without any use stand testimony to the blatant disregrad for a natural resource. Gas guzzling cars are more popular than they ought to be. If the cost for electricity and water were included in the rent for an apartment, there is no urge to conserve either of them! Conservation is a concept alient to most people here. I would observe all this and shake my head but it took a power cut to remind me of the ideals I grew up with. This morning reminded me that perhaps, I haven't forgotten "home".

Snippets

2005-11-24T02:26:00.000-07:00

I seem to have a lot of free time or atleast seem to be giving people the impression that i do. I spend all my free time productively ofcourse! I read other people's blogs! For a long time, i could not understand why people would reveal their most private thoughts and feelings to the entire world(it is afterall the world wide web!). Perhaps it is no different from what they say about it being easy to talk to strangers. Or maybe its easy to be frank and open under the cloak of anonymity. Whatever it is, i made it a point that i would make my blog honest and forthright(all exaggerations are mostly obvious and are strictly for entertainment purposes only!) without revealing too much about me or my life.

But for some strange reason, i have had this irresistible urge to write something that means a lot to me. And thus was born a dilemma. How can i write about something about which i feel strongly and yet not be indiscrete? Well then i decided i would present to the reader, snippets of the last one and half years of my life. More specifically, these snippets will be parts of cerain conversations which have been burned into my memory. Why only the last one and half years, you may ask. For reasons best left unsaid, i have had the most singular experiences only during this time. It is but logical that i decided not to name any of the people involved. I will merely call them characters. Well, that isnt because i love plays or movies and look at my life as one, but simply becuase "character" happens to be what i call people instead of the wide vareity of other colourful words available for appropriate situations. So here goes.

Conversation 1
me: Hoity AS!
char1: Tidley LA!

Conversation 2
char2: I hope you like the gift. Open it and see.
me: (opening the gift) Oh wow! How did you ever know i would like something like this??
char2: Oh i managed to somehow find out!

Conversation 3
char3: You are so pretentious Anusha, i have never met anyone more pretentious. And you dont even have the guts to take a decision and stick to it.
me: Pretentious?? Thats the most unfair thing anyone has ever said to me! I dont want to continue this conversation anymore.
char3: Ah yes, run away from the fight. Thats what you are really good at, being a coward!

Conversation 4
char4: Your blog is very well written! My father thinks so too and wants me to give you the compliment.
me: Thank you. I guess that now, i have no excuse for not writing!

Conversation 5
char5: I am deeply disappointed with you, Anusha. When you said that you had thought about lots of things, i expected you to be able to answer my questions.
me: Well, i HAVE thought about things. If anything, you should be proud of me.
char5: (sarcastic laugh)

Conversation 6
char6: Congrats! I knew you would get it!
me: Oh well, i dont think its such a big deal, its too little and too late.
char6: What are you saying? Its wonderful! I am so proud of you Anusha!

Conversation 7
char7: I want to do something Anu. Let us formulate a strategy.
me: A strategy? Umm, i havent really thought about that.
char7: Dont worry, i shall help. I want to help you Anu, i am quite enthused! Lets come up with a brilliant diabolical plan!

Conversation 8
char8: She is pretty indeed, unfortunately she has a boyfriend.
me: Why should that bother you? Dont you have a girlfriend?
char8: Oh well, cant blame a guy for trying to make alternate plans!

Conversation 9
me: Ok, lets see, what i find most admirable in you is that you are always so amazingly optimistic and cheerful.
char9: I see. Well, what i like about you is your integrity, you have integrity in a way i cannot describe. Most people i meet are pseudo.

Conversation 10
char10: Dont let anyone do that to you Anu. Dont let anyone make you take a guilt trip. Been there done that, so i know.
me: I guess you are right. Thanks so much for being there.

Conversation 11
char11: You have changed after coming here. You have become so selfish.
me: Maybe its you who has changed after coming here. Think about it.

Conversation 12
char12: I wasnt expecting an answer from you. I know already. I just wanted to tell you anyway.
me: (after a long pause)I had a good time. Thank you.

Conversation 13
char13: I cant say that i wont ever have regrets. Yes, there will be times when i will see something and wish that my life had been different. But at the end of the day, i will be grateful for what i have.
me: I believe that when you realize what exactly you want from life, you will be sure that you wont have any regrets ever. Until then, you are merely settling for less than what you want and less than what you deserve.

In hindsight, i realize that this post would probably not mean much to anyone, not even if the characters i have mentioned recongnize that they are the ones being talked about. But chronicling these experiences has been a strangely fulfilling exercise for me.

Life.

2005-11-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

Alright, i think i have dabbled enough with humour or atleast attempts at humour! I think its high time i wrote something serious. For one thing, if one jokes too much, there is the danger of not being taken seriously ever! For another, as my good friend Jack would say, there would be no "spice in life"!

I thought long and hard about what i could write about. Then i realized that the thinking was consuming too much of my energy and decided that i would write about what most philosophers and want-to-be philosophers would form their first opinions on. Life. Even if i searched far and wide, i would not come up with a more complex, more abstract, more sought after, more debateable topic than this! Besides, life is so complicated and deep that no matter how many different perspectives have already been offered to explain it, one can come up with new insights if only one gave it enough thought. For any aspiring philosophers out there, i would suggest one important thing. Before you start ruminating on the meaning of life, do make sure that you have either already had a hearty meal or are in the middle of a light snack if the last meal has proven to be inadequate. I speak from experience; all this thinking just makes one terribly hungry! No wonder wise men have said that one needs food for thought!

Not that i have read many philosophical treatises. But i have definitely read people's home grown theories; the ones that appear in the middle of a long and involved story, usually followed by interesting insights into how the particular theory is going to help the protagonist get on with his/her life! The most prominent trend in these situations is to present an analogy. For example, life is like riding a bicycle, life is like a box of chocolates, life is like an onion(oh yes, ask me about it later and i shall explain that one!), life is a quest and so on. My favourite one is the one with the box of chocolates, for obvious reasons! So i decided that i would present an analogy too.

Well, i think that life is like sailing a ship. When its calm and peaceful, you have the most wonderful time and feel grateful for just being there. The sights and smells and sounds are so exquisite that you cant ever have enough of them. You refuse to think that even placid waters might one day turn into an angry and avenging force. But they do, and thats when your mettle is tested. To survive, you have to stay focussed and keep believing that you are going to see calm seas once again. But most importantly, you have to know when to hold on to the helm and fight against the elements and when to just let go. And if you survive, and the sea has raged itself out, life becomes wonderful once more. The sea tests you all the time, just like life does. Shallow waters, deep oceans, rocky enclaves, blinding storms, pirate ships(??) are all part of the same journey. It takes patience, fortitude, skill, hope and an unquenchable zest for exploration and adventure to live through it all.(Actually it all fits in beautifully and i believe i have come up with a near perfect analogy. Well, the only thing that i cant explain satisfactorily is this concept of sea-sickness! How can you explain life making people throw up?? Any suggestions?)

I have to admit that it might be possible that someone somewhere must have thought of this one too! After all, phrases like "troubled waters" "smooth sailing" and "at the helm of things" must have orginated from someone's imagination! But i swear that i didnt borrow this idea from anyone! You see, i came up with this one in my sleep! Right before the dream about prince charming sweeping me off my feet! Well, now you have to believe me right??

Dude flicks!

2005-11-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

It was one saturday evening. Godmother, Godaunt and i were having our evening tea in the living room and talking about how to make the day more interesting. Like most other such Saturday discussions, we came up with the unique and original idea of "going out for a movie". At the mention of this plan, the three of us got lost in thought. While i was wondering if there were any good movies worth putting in the effort of getting dressed up and walking all the way to the theatre, Godmother was busy planning the details of the expedition. In just a couple of minutes she had decided in what order each of us should have a bath, how much time we should take for dinner and what time we should leave so as to give us enough time to buy tickets and get a drink at the theatre. But Godaunt seemed to be concentrating very hard; her brows were knitted, her eyes stared off into the distance and in time, her lips thinned as she seemed to make a firm decision. It turned out that she had decided to move the king of hearts instead of the seven of spades in her game of spider solitaire!

In the meantime Godmother had looked up the available options for the movie. "How about Wedding Crashers?" she asked. I thought about it and shook my head, "I dont think so. For one thing I have watched it already. For another, its just....its....well, i didnt like it." Godmother raised her eyebrows. "It has too many off colour jokes and innuendos for me take for a second time! You know its like...." And inspiration struck! "Its a dude flick!" I finished triumphantly. Godmother looked quizzically at me, but began to slowly grin as understanding started to dawn on her. Godaunt looked up from her game and asked, "Dudes? What? Where?" and looked around eagerly. Godmother explained that we had been talking about dude flicks. Godaunt seemed disappointed but nevertheless, she was curious about this "dude flick thing" as she called it. "Its the equivalent of a chick flick for guys!", Godmother elaborated. I jumped in to add, "Yeah, guys totally enjoy that kind of humour!" Godaunt gave up her game and became quite excited about this whole concept of dude flicks. "Is it like that movie? You know....the movie with that guy? He even acts in that other movie!" and she looked expectantly at us. Godmother and i looked back at Godaunt and waited patiently for her memory springs to start working. After a couple of moments, Godaunt jumped up from the couch. Godmother and i heaved sighs of relief when we realized that we didnt have to play "22 questions" to find this one! "Its called something...something about cakes or pies or something", Godaunt said as she gestured vigorously to prove the point. "You mean American pie?" asked Godmother, chuckling. Godaunt nodded and sat back on the couch exhausted but immensely satisfied. "Yeah, thats a dude flick alright!", i agreed.

All plans for "going out for a movie" were forgotten as we spent the rest of the evening listing all the "dude flicks" we had ever watched or heard of. Godaunt contributed quite a bit to it with "this movie" and "that movie" and other such movies! Here is the result of our efforts. Ofcourse, i have deliberately refrained from explicitly defining what a "dude flick" is. (Although the three of us have decided to patent the term, we are still working on a suitable defintion). But i am hoping that this list would self explanatory. I would be very grateful to the limited number of faithful readers of this blog, if they could add to this!

1. Wedding Crashers
2. The 40 year old virgin
3. American Pie
4. American wedding
5. Austin powers
6. There's something about Mary
7. Road trip
8. Dude, where's my car

PS:If you find this article possibly feministic, let me assure you that it IS! But its no more feministic than how chauvinistic the term "chick flick" is!

The story of Elton, my love.

2005-10-24T15:52:00.000-07:00

I remember the day I saw Elton. I came home one day after class and he was waiting to see me. The first thing i noticed about him was the fact that he was so incredibly good looking! He looked strong, capable and efficient. We spent the rest of the day getting aquainted with each other. And the end of the day, i had a strong gut feeling that our relationship was going to last long.

This was 11 months back and looking back i realize how much Elton has come to mean to me. He has become an integral part of my life. He understands me like no other. Even if he has had an uneventful and boring day and isnt in a good mood, he warms up to me as soon as we start talking. Without his encouragement and support, i couldnt have done most of my research work! As for the help he provides with all my assignments, i cannot even begin to express my gratitude! It hasnt been all smooth though. We have had our differences. Sometimes, I get engrossed in some simulation and demand too much from him. Or i get distracted and just walk off in the middle of a serious discussion. He gets cross with me, shuts himself off and refuses to speak to me. But he always, always comes back to me. Well, he isnt without faults either. He has inexplicable mood swings and without any warning refuses to participate in our usual tete-a-tetes. And he has a very short temper and it takes him very little provocation to get all heated up! But both of us are mature individuals and know that having a long term relationship isnt easy. At the end of the day, we know that what matters is that we make each other so much better than what we would have been individually.

My friends tell me that i have got the bad end of the deal in this relationship. They tell me that i would do well to be with someone else instead. They look down on Elton and tell me he isnt trustworthy and that he is too hot headed and surly! But they dont see the side to Elton that i do. They dont see how attached we are to each other. They judge Elton by shallow standards. I want to scream at them and tell them that there is so much more to him. They will never know how special he is to me and how wonderful he makes me feel. But I sometimes smile at the thought that it is my little secret!

I introduced Elton to my father. My father knew about him from the time he came to see me but met him only much later. I could see by his first reaction that he really liked Elton. My father's opinion means a lot to me, so i was delighted when Elton seemed to strike a chord with him. But my father, being my father likes to protect me and take care of me. He felt some of the same things that my friends warned me about. He would make oblique hints about Elton's apparent shortcomings, but i would assure him that all was well. One day, he cautiously broached the topic of Elton's suitability though he knew that i think things through before i take important decisions. He had even started gathering information about possible replacements. He started to ennumerate one particular candidate's biodata, when i forestalled him. I asserted to him that Elton was the one for me and that i couldnt imagine life without him. I reassured him that i firmly believed that we were going to be very happy together and that i didnt even want to think about someone else. He knew how stubborn i can be, so he relented and said, "Well, if you'd rather stick with your old Compaq laptop than accept my offer to get you a new Sony one, its your decision!"

The little girl and the ghost

2005-07-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

Fairy tales were an integral part of my life when i was younger. It was quite advantageous for my parents, for it would work as a very effective bribe to make me do things i hated to do. I would love to enumerate all those things except for the fact that the list is slightly elaborate. Well, i was a naughty kid! All my parents had to do to distract me from possibly dangerous play things, was to start saying, "In a land far far away..." and they would be assured of my undivided attention! I miss my childhood and this is a tribute to those memories.(I dont usually dedicate anything to anyone, but i shall make an exception in this case and dedicate this article to A.S who has been such a source of amusement, that i could say he almost 'inspired' me to write this!)

Once upon a time, in a forest far far away, there lived a ghost. No one knows how he became a ghost, but he had been a ghost for a very long time. No one went to the forest because he loved scaring people off! He lived by himself in a house with a huge wall around it to prevent any creature from straying in. But he was really a nice ghost, he just liked to believe that he was big and bad!

In a nearby town lived a little girl. She lived with her parents and had a happy time singing and dancing and playing. But she was a curious little girl. Despite her mother's warnings, she would wander off to places by herself and search for interesting things. But she had never gone into the dark forest, though she had always wanted to. One day, when her mother had gone off to the market, she decided to go peek and see what the forest looked like. She promised herself that she would merely peek and then be a good girl and return. She walked along the road that led into the forest full of excitement. While she walked, all of a sudden big trees loomed up in front of her. But she wasnt frightened, she was awestruck. She had never seen such huge trees before. She walked along the path staring with her mouth wide open at all the wonders of the forest and all the fine birds and animals that gave her curious glances. There was a cuckoo sitting on a branch, who startled her by singing a loud cuckoo. Two squirrels with nuts in their arms, ran up and stared at her. A spotted deer hopped past as she continued to walk. As she looked up, she saw a monkey gawking at her as he swung from tree to tree.

There were so many new and wonderful sights to see that she kept walking on and on not realizing that she was going deeper and deeper into the forest. As the sun sunk lower and shadows crept up, she felt hungry and tired. Just when she thought she was going to cry, she spotted a huge gate in front of her. There was a big signboard in front saying, "Visitors are unwelcome" and in huge red letters below that, "If you come in, you wont get out alive!". The little girl looked at it for a while and thought to herself, "Whoever lives here must be very lonely! I shall go and talk to them." With that she felt happy with herself and happily walked on ahead. Being such a little girl, she sqeezed through the crack in the big gate. A really big house stood in front of her. She went up the steps to the door and was about to knock, when it creaked open. "Hello?", she called but the only answer she got was her own echo. So, she tiptoed in. The door opened into a long hallway. She walked through the hallway until she came to a spacious living room. An old chandellier hung from the ceiling. Antique furniture lay scattered. A beautifully carved stairway led the way to the first floor. But everything looked dusty and ill used. The little girl had never seen anything as big and impressive in her entire life.

As she watched with awe, a booming voice from above her shouted, "WHO DISTURBS MY PEACE??" As she watched, the white form of a ghost appeared out of nowhere. The ghost looked really old with a white beard and a pale wrinkled face. He wore loose white garments that were torn in places and floated in the air. The ghost descended to where she stood and peered at her. The girl in turn peered back at the ghost. She had never seen ghosts though she had heard of them. So she clapped her hands in glee and said, "A Ghost! I see a ghost!". Then she looked at the ghost in doubt and said, "You are a ghost, arent you?". The ghost was taken aback! This puny little girl was not even a little afraid of him! And she was bold enough to question his ghostly status! And that made him mighty angry and he decided to show the little girl how good a ghost he was. He puffed up his chest and bellowed at her in his most terrifying voice. But the little girl jumped up and down with joy! This annoyed the ghost even more. So, he made more threatening and horrifying noises. By this time, the little girl had plonked herself on the ground and had taken up to clapping at intervals when he stopped for breath. She thought that this nice ghost was entertaining her and needed to be encouraged, so she nodded eagerly at him to go on. The ghost was very very angry when he saw this. He was also confused. Most people would run screaming when he chose to yell at them. But this little girl was sitting down and enjoying it! He decided to try his next scary trick. He breathed in deeply and then disappeared altogether in a puff of smoke. Then he materialized at her side and shouted "Boooooooo" very loudly in her ear. She jumped up startled, but when she saw the ghost, she yelled "Magic! Magic! You can do magic too! Wow!" By now the ghost was quite flustered. "Why is this little girl not scared?", he thought desperately. "Hmm. She shall see some of my most frightening tricks now!"

For the next half an hour, the ghost gave his best performance ever. He elongated himself like a pole, shrunk himself like a ball, pulled out his tongue and tied it around his neck, detached various parts of his body and put them back, turned himself into wierd looking animals, and even bounced his head around like a ball. But none of this seemed to scare the little girl. She was having the most wonderful time. By now, she totally adored the ghost! Finally, exhausted and defeated, the ghost sank to the ground and looked miserable. When she saw this, the little girl felt very sorry for him. She thought that the poor ghost must be feeling very lonely with no friends around. So she went to him and said, "Mr.Ghost, can i please be your friend?" The ghost looked up surprised. No one had ever wanted to be his friend! They all ran away the minute they saw his white hideous form. But the little girl wanted to be his friend. He nodded his head and said, "I would love it if you were my friend! Will you stay here with me?". The little girl shook her head, "I cant. My mummy and daddy will miss me! But i will come see you everyday after school!". The ghost looked very happy. "I shall bring all my friends too!", she exclaimed. But the ghost was doubtful. "Wont they be scared of me?", he asked. The little girl rubbed her nose while she thought about that. "Maybe they will be at first, but when they see that you are really a nice ghost that can do magic and tricks, they will love you! You can entertain them like you did just now and we can all have fun!" The ghost liked the idea of fun and nodded his head eagerly and agreed to come up with new tricks. After he made her promise that she would come by every single day, he led her safely through the forest until she was near her home. The little girl kept her promise and came by everyday with her friends. The ghost was as good as his word and became a favourite with the kids with his funny little tricks. They all had a great time together. The ghost stopped scaring people and the forest became a lively and happy place. As for the little girl and the ghost, they stayed friends for ever and ever and ever!

Gemini

2005-05-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

I once read a book by Sidney Sheldon called "The windmills of the gods". Not that I am a great fan of the author, but something in this book caught my attention. There is a character called Angel who is the villain of the story. Until the end, the reader unknowingly assumes that the character is a man. Well, thats justifiable! When one reads accounts of gruesome crimes and cold blooded murders committed by a paid assassin, one naturally assumes that the villain is a man!! The startling finale, revealing the fact that Angel is a woman makes the reader hurriedly turn the pages and reread certain parts of the book to make sure that the author had infact never explicitly ascribed a gender to the character. As a matter of fact, this tactic is going to come in quite handy to me in this article. Well, my aim is not to mislead the reader into making assumptions. What I mean is that I am going to write about someone whose identity, I will take the utmost efforts to conceal! And yet I am going to write about this person elaborately! Henceforth, I shall refer to the protagonist as Gemini for reasons that may become obvious later on.

Gemini puzzled me; not intimidated, confused or overwhelmed like most people felt where gemini was concerned. I was just, well, puzzled. It just didnt make sense. It seems like I have known gemini forever! We have known each other for quite a while, but the time we have spent is not enough for me to substantiate the feeling of forever that i associate with our relationship. I have seen gemini change, grow, mature and wisen. Did I miss something there that I should have seen? I must have been too engrossed in my own tumultuous process of maturing that I didn't notice it at first. But when I did, gemini puzzled me.

Gemini has always been a person to reckon with. Someone more self content, I am yet to meet! Gemini exudes so much of confidence and vitality that i sometimes wonder if Gemini has ever felt out of depth. The ease with which Gemini could peel the layers of irrelevant and redundanct facts off any issue and get to the core is utterly fascinating. It wasn't a surprise that many of our conversations would turn out to be stimulating and enlightening. For a time I thought that perhaps we were two of a kind! No matter how incoherent I sounded, Gemini would understand what I meant and I didnt have to explain myself as I did with others. And yet, when I think about it now, we arent so similar afterall. Well, Gemini just puzzles me!

I am not really sure, when the discordant note first struck. I guess I must have dismissed it in the beginning. Maybe I wasn't astute enough to recognize it. But it must have gotten registered in the recesses of mind somewhere. Gemini and I would have intense quarrels and it would leave me battered and hurt. And I would reconcile myself thinking that since I wasn't as good and capable as Gemini was, it must have been my mistake. Finally, one fine day, when I let my mind wander aimlessly, the situation suddenly presented itself to me. I realized that there were infact two distinct facets to Gemini. One of them was the one I admired, the mature, wise and logical individual that Gemini seemed to be most of the time. The other side to Gemini had all the qualities that I found irksome in people in general, namely, immaturity, irrationality and dogmatic beliefs.

Without really giving it much thought, most people at one point of time or the other, gravely remark that there are two sides to every coin, as if that should satisfactorily explain even the most baffling anomalies. Come to think of it, sometimes a coin, in no way has any similarities with the situations that elicited its reference. But whoever came up with the phrase in the first place must indeed be a wise man. Well, for one thing, if we start questioning the wisdom of such pithy sayings, life would become more complex than it actually is! And yet, I wonder if this is one of the things that the saying explains, this apparent dichotomy in Gemini's nature; these two inexplicable unresolvable facets. Maybe they exist for the sake of being irreconcilable, bringing about an equilibrium in a strange sort of way. Does everyone have these faces then? Do other people identify in me two such facets? Is this what makes Gemini tick? Does Gemini manage to swing as much as possible in one direction, secure in the knowledge that life's forces will balance it out, and swing the opposite way?

Maybe everyone of us has these extremes and I happened to notice Gemini's only because I was uncomfortable with one of them. Perhaps, it makes sense in a wierd sort of way, the way two negatives seem to make a positive or the way opposites seem to attract. Many a time, people accept the most illogical of things without a second thought, convincing themselves that this is the way the world works. I wonder if this is one of those things that I should just accept and save myself all this rigorous analysis. And yet...and yet, no matter what reasons I come up with to explain it, Gemini continues to puzzle me.

Engineering craze or crazy engineers?

2005-05-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

"Our society ought to stop forcing students to take engineering!", I heard a friend vehemently exclaim for what seemed like the nth million time! When something is so oft repeated, it just fails to make a significant impact. Not surprisingly, the passionate statement didnt so much as ruffle my feathers. But well, in all fairness to the speaker, the only things that extract anything even remotely related to a passionate response from me are cheese pizzas, icecreams and occasionally male chauvinistic P**gs! But undeterred by my lack of enthusiasm, I wondered if it would make a good enough topic for a blog. Well, there is only one way to find out!
For starters, people often fail to see the kind of society we live in, atleast the society that i come from. Its the kind of society, where the society itself is of utmost importance. Given that, a logical result is that fact that individuality is sacrificed for the greater good of the society. Another logical yet not obvious result is the fact that the society perpetuates certain trends which catch on quickly. More often than not these popular trends dont even have much of a basis, but most people adopt them for fear of being left out. The "engineering craze" as I'd like to call it is a perfect example. It would be perfectly reasonable to ask why it started in the first place. Simple! The engineering route is the easiest and fastest way to get a degree and start earning good money! Atleast thats what i was told when i was faced with a choice! Getting an engineering degree is quite simply, the easiest course one can take. The sudden mushrooming of engineering colleges in every nook and cranny has decidedly made a degree all the more easily attainable. Now thats a typical chicken and egg situation for you, the chicken being the deluge of engineering colleges and the egg being people wanting to become engineers!
There are 4 different ways in which people deal with this kind of a situation. One, they go along with the flow hoping that the destination they get to is in fact where they wanted to get to in the first place. Two, they furiously paddle against the flow also hoping that the opposite direction is the one that will lead to the right destination and taking great pride in doing so! Ofcourse, these are two extremes. The last two are somewhat more subtle. There are those among us that actually like doing what it is that everyone is doing. One might conclude that this is the best scenario: not only are you taking the easy way out, you actually like what you end up doing! But, its hardly that simple. People who belong to this category actually have a tougher life than those who chose to oppose the whole thing. Not only do they have to prove themselves in an arena teeming with a million others, their job is made more difficult by the teeming millions threatening to engulf them in mediocracy. Lastly, there are those that dont care about what trends are existent and who simply take the unpopular choice becuase they like it. But this is much easier said than done! Not only do they have to wade through all the obstacles, they have to keep believing in themselves against the odds. The people who are different for the sake of being different atleast enjoy the battle against the majority, because thats what drives them on. And well, no matter how often we tell people to "not care what others say" and no matter how often we hear it said to us, we do care, very much so!
My aim is not to be judgemental and say that a particular group of people is noble and another isnt. It takes different kinds of people to make up this world. To define one kind, you need another! But what does amuse me is to see people being hypocritical and blaming someone else for their deeds. And whats even more amusing is to see them blame an entity like soceity which is infact an organization of their own making that thrives solely because of the importance given to it! So, to me, it seems that as long as we remain the same old human beings with the same old needs and wants, these funny little trends will continue to be a part of our lives and if we werent caught up in the "engineering craze", we would get caught up in yet another craze!

.....Oh and if you are still waiting for me to tell you which of the four categories i think i belong to, you just have to keep waiting!!

My Godmother and Godaunt

2005-03-05T21:03:00.000-07:00

"How was your day?", I asked my Godmother as she walked into our apartment. "Worrsht!", she exclaimed. "My brats gave me a really tough time today!", she added by way of explanation. Her "brats", as she fondly liked to call them were the students taking the chemistry course she was a TA for. If they had "given her a tough time", it usually meant that they had asked her lots of silly questions in the chemistry lab. But then, they probably didnt mind being called brats, for once in a while, they got to have tasty titbits prepared by my Godmother, specifically for them. Given that she is quite talented in the culinery arts, i must say that her "brats" were in an enviable position! But let me rewind a bit and tell you how my Godmother came to be my Godmother in the first place. (It would produce more of an effect if the reader could imagine black and white concentric circles rotating around each other)

It was around 7 months back when i came to Tempe to meet my new roommates along with my anxious parents. At that time, my mother was quite convinced that an "innocent child" like me would get gobbled up by the big bad wolves of this world. The fact that i had stayed by myself during my undergraduation and had learnt more than i wanted to know about the big bad wolves, failed to allay her fears. My father had his own way of dealing with the situation. All along the drive from LA to Tempe, he adviced me on everything under the sun, nevertheless, ending each one with "I am sure you can take care of yourself". Thus, when they did meet her, they were suitably impressed with my Godmother. Well, frankly, knowing her as well as i do now, thats not surprising! My Godmother tackles everything and everyone in her typical no nonsense ways and proceeds to tell anyone who cares to listen, how she thinks things ought to be done. But what struck me most was her room. I had never in my life come across a room more well organized and maintained. I am sure that even if she was blindfolded, she would be able to pick the exact thing that she wanted! My mother, who is a born organizer and my dad, who is a cleanliness freak were bowled over, so much so that, they were confident that two full years in her company would surely result in my turning over a new leaf. In order to make this a certainty, they exhorted my Godmother to take me under her wing. My godmother was delighted by the prospect, as she had run out of prospective victims(or perhaps they had run away from her!) and conferred on herself, her present title.

Once my parents left, the obedient girl that I turn out to be for lack of creativity, i decided to put into practice atleast some out of the numerous pieces of advice so generously bestowed upon me. So, once i got a chance, I accosted my Godmother so i could clarify the n million questions about the place and the university that were brimming in my head. As it turned out, i didnt have to ask most of them. I just started with the basic, "What is registration all about", and my Godmother took over. As she started talking, it was all i could do to resist from taking notes! I suppose that the years of listening to lectures had ingrained in me an instinctive urge to grab a pen and paper and write something down, even if it made absolutely no sense later on. The next day, i was at school, armed with half a dozen maps and another half a dozen post-its with the itenarary for the entire week in my Godmother's tidy handwriting.

Godmother's penchant for order is most reflected in the fact that at this point of time the original colour of our refridgerator is almost indiscernible; on every visible part, she has stuck papers of all sizes and colours. These contain a variety of information starting from the procedures for cleaning the kitchen and the cooking and cleaning turns to the monthly accounts which Godmother takes great pains to meticulously calculate. We have two unwritten rules at the apartment: one, Godmother is always right and two, when in doubt refer to the fridge!

If at this point of time, one makes the mistake of assuming that she is a prim and proper, serious girl, one couldnt be further from the truth. My Godmother has an amazing sense of humour, something that comes in handy when i am in my characterestic "leg pulling" mood, usually brought on by an excess of tests and assignments! When she is not in a "zonked" mood, she regales us with interesting anecdotes about her illustrious friends. Since her friends' circle has quite a large diamter and most of them seemed to do something amusing or the other, we are kept well entertained! And well, one of the reasons that i have gone to such great lengths to stress upon Godmother's humourous side is that i am hoping that when she does read this article, this side will come into fore!

Contrary to how momentously my Godmother was christened, my Godaunt, who is my other roommate, came to be my Godaunt solely because i was looking to expand my "God" family. Since Godmothers are said to be quite generous in giving goodies and other nice trinkets, I figured that the more people i included in the family, the more my returns would be! Well, as it turned out, i was sadly mistaken. My trinket collection, to this day, remains abysmally small! But well, the titles just stuck on, nevertheless.

Anyone who knew my Godmother and Godaunt would agree that they were indeed at opposite ends of the spectrum. If my Godmother is the kind who planned the entire week in advance including the next weekend, my Godaunt is the type who believed that planning even the next minute was a waste of time. On a typical day, my Godaunt would try to do work that usually required 48 hours. Needless to say, at the end of almost everyday, she would complain that she was being extremely lazy and hadnt done anything productive. This would usually ellicit a raised eyebrow from me and an admonition from my Godmother. But fortunately for my Godaunt, she would have neither registered my amused expression nor heard my Godmother's scoldings, for her thoughts would have already gone on to something else.

One day, after a long deliberation, my Godmother and I came to the conclusion that my Godaunt, fed up with lowly mortals, had decided to hold conversations and consultations with only exalted contraptions like her PC, latop and PDA. Sometimes, if she was in the mood to talk to someone while she was cooking, she would relent and give the microwave and electric cooker a chance. Well, strange as it may seem, there seem to be no other explanation for the inexplicable incidents that happened at home when my Godaunt was around. One day, I was startled out of playing an extremely challenging game of text twist, by her impassioned cries. It seemed to me that annoyed with her work, she was giving the world in general, a piece of her mind. The kind hearted soul that i am, i did pity her laptop, which seemed to be taking the brunt of her attack. But as i watched her expressions and gestures, her words were quite unintelligible, it became clear to me that it wasnt annoyance but excitement which had brought on such a display. When she finally looked up from her work, i looked askance at her. She proceeded to explain that since enlightenment about a particularly difficult course of hers had finally dawned on her, she thought that it was perfectly natural for her to vociferously share the pleasure with her laptop. I nodded wisely and mentally confirmed the validity of the conclusions that my Godmother and I had already reached.

But no matter how deep she is buried in her deluge of assignments, my Godaunt is ever willing to take a snack break, especially if the snacks consisted of spicy Indian chaat items. When she takes such breaks, it is fascinating to see the look of absolute bliss on her face! Once during one of these times, generally bugged with life and not finding anyone else to take it out on, I started calling my Godaunt lots of interesting names, most of which translated to her being a useless imbecile. And all i got in response was a beatific smile! When it comes to food, my Godaunt is as proficient in consumption as my Godmother is at preparation!

I couldnt have asked for better roommates! Very rarely does one find so much entertainment in one's own home! The three of us have had many an escapade together, some of which i plan to write about later on. So till then, adieu!

This ought to be amusing!

2005-02-28T01:13:00.000-07:00

In life, many a time, we embark on something we haven’t tried before, something that is exciting as well as scary, something that, if we do well enough, would bring returns that will be worth the effort, and yet ruin us if we failed. Given the title of this article, the first line is an obvious contradiction! But that’s only because I have this strange belief, that to catch anyone’s attention, one has to maintain a serious expression and start a sentence with “In life….”!

So now, that I have caught all the attention that I want to catch, let me get on with what I was saying. Before I started writing this article, I had a little talk with myself so I could gather enough courage to write this. I didn’t say much, just the clichéd, “It’s just like riding a bicycle! You fall a few times and then you get the knack of it and then its just so much fun!” It worked! And here I am penning some of my worst ramblings ever, complete with a funny title. But now that I think about it, it shouldn’t have worked. Well, for one thing, it isn’t that similar to riding a bicycle. In fact, when I learned to ride one, I never had any misfortunes, not even the customary “heading straight into the ditch”. Of course, this fact worked to my father’s advantage, since he was the unfortunate soul, who would get dragged to the street every evening even after a hard day at office, to run along with an over enthused 7 year old and her bike. Not an enviable role, but my complete lack of conformity to the norms of learning to ride, meant that he didn’t have a bawling, over enthused, 7 year old to console every evening! But, I, more than made up for my lack of bruised knees and hands, by banging into vehicles of all sizes and colours and ending with all kinds of bruises all over me, once I had gotten enough courage to venture out of my secluded street into the bigger roads.

Another reason it shouldn’t have worked is that, the bicycle story is just one of those silly things that people tell themselves in order to do things that they wouldn’t have ordinarily done. But then it works, because for a minute they are taken back to that time in their life when a simple thing like riding a bike was the one thing that could make their lives complete! But personally, I think I like the first reason better!

Although, I have toyed with the idea of writing for quite some time, one of the reasons being all the time on my hands combined with my lack of creativity and a general laziness which prevented me from getting off the couch for too long, this sudden inspiration came from the most unexpected of sources! A friend of mine, in the process of a mundane conversation, casually suggested, “Why don’t you blog?” His impeccable reasoning for the suggestion was that since there was enough number of people writing “all kinds of crap”, the worst he could do was to encourage yet another addition to the list. In the romantic world, I sometimes escape to, things would have been quite different. An unseen tragedy would have befallen me and having found enough courage to get through it and emerge victorious, I would have decided to be benevolent and share my pearls of wisdom with the rest of the world. What better way to do that, than to become a writer! My first venture into the literary world would have been voted a bestseller, with all the leading critics falling over each other to conjure up exotic phrases and adjectives to describe my work. But then, when I return to reality, logically impeccable reasons are good enough!

So, now that I have broken the ice, breached all the barriers, crossed the line over to the other side, strayed into the unknown and, as it turns out, exhausted all the good metaphors and phrases I planned to use in the rest of the article, I don’t really know what I want to write about. I think all the little talks I had with myself have finally lost steam! I had planned elaborately on the starting paragraph and the subtly humourous statements, through which I hoped I would achieve what the title claimed, but I forgot that the head had to have a body to support it. Although it might seem like a strange comparison, if there can exist creatures in this world with just heads and tails, I am sure my little creation can survive too! Nevertheless, if I have managed to amuse at least one among the many who might read this, then I guess the purpose of this article would be achieved.